The Perks and the Odd Life of being Kickasses
by turtledynasty
Summary: What happens when Mindy McCready aka Hit Girl (KICKASS), Timothy Green (The Odd Life of Timothy Green) and Charlie Kelmeckis (Perks of being a Wallflower) meet?
1. Ch 1: Three Souls, One Journey (OneShot)

**The Perks and the Odd Life of being Kickasses**

_What happens when Mindy McCready aka Hit Girl, Timothy Green and Charlie Kelmeckis meet?_

"Charlie, I know that you know I like Craig. But I want to forget that for a minute. Okay?" Sam said, looking into Charlie's eyes. "I just want to make sure that the first person who kisses you loves you. Okay?"

Charlie nods. And with that, Sam leans over and kisses him. It starts softly, and then Sam wraps her thin arms around him. The door to Sam's room burst open and a girl with dirty blonde hair emerged, flustering the lovebirds. Charlie stared at the intruder. Her hair was in a mess and she had a busted lip. She must have been in a fight. The girl entered the room, dragging a pretty buff but pretty battered and bruised jock into the room by his hair. He looked semi-conscious. The girl met Charlie and Sam's gaze. She had a crazy look in her hazel eyes. They were angry, upset, exhilarated...

"Well? Scram!" she yelled. Sam grabbed Charlie's hand, pulling him along with her out onto the hallway.

"Hold on… that's my room! Why the hell do I have to scram?" Sam exclaimed, after closing her bedroom door. "I'm going back in!"

A hand grabbed her and Sam turned to see who it was. It was a little boy, barely twelve, with curious brown eyes and a mop of messy brown hair. He looked badly beaten up as well. "Don't," he said. "She'll kill you."

Sam stared at him. "What is a kid like you doing here?" she exclaimed.

"Hi, I'm Timothy Green," the little boy greeted, holding out his hand to shake. Sam shook it. "I wanted to see what a high school party was like."

"Did… Did she do this to you?" Charlie asked, pointing to the door the blonde girl had entered. He felt worried for the jock that strange girl had dragged like a rag doll into the room. The boy shook his head. "No, it was the guy Mindy was pulling around that hurt me. He was beating me up quite bad at the porch, and everyone who walked in and out of the party didn't bother to do anything except for Mindy." Charlie looked to the door. So her name's Mindy.

* * *

Mindy exited the room two hours later, coming face-to-face with the girl that was making out with some guy before. That girl didn't look all to please. Mindy recognized her now. Sam, the girl who has weird taste in music as well as in guys. Mindy smirked. "Sorry about that," she said, walking past the girl notorious for sleeping around.

Sam entered her room and screamed. There was the bully, hanging upside down from a rope, firmly gagged, utterly naked and horribly bruised with red and purple marks all over his body. That sick girl had used him as a punching bag. Sam ran out of her room while a couple of jocks went in to rescue their buddy.

Oblivious to the chaos she caused, Mindy went on to settle on the carpeted floor next to Timothy, away from the drugged teens. She sighed and basked in the warmth of the hearth. Nobody knew she was Hit Girl, and it kind of felt nice fighting against the bad people without a costume. She drew in a deep breath and pulled her feet in, resting her chin gingerly on her knees. "Try it," one of the guys had urged her, shoving some weed cupcake rather roughly into her face. She had taken it from him and shoved it down his throat, causing him to barf. "You try it," she had snarled, watching him choke on the cupcake while his friends patted him on the back.

"Oh my god! Look at him go!" some girl shrieked, pulling Mindy out of her daydream. A couple of high schoolers were laughing hysterically, causing Mindy and Timothy to wince at their high pitch cackles and look to see what the commotion was all about. Apparently, some group of druggies managed to get a boy drugged. She recognized him… the newcomer. He was also the one making out with Sam. Man, does she swoop in fast on her prey.

There he was, stumbling around, grinning from ear to ear at almost anything he saw. Mindy watched him closely. He had that look of innocence, with that shy and genuine smile that made him immediately likeable.

"Aren't you going to help him?"

Mindy looked at Timothy. That was how Timothy always was. He always sees the good in people, always believes that when somebody is in need of help, someone should step up to help. He was compassionate to a fault.

"He'll manage."

"That girl he was with, Sam… she's not what everyone is calling her, a... 'slut'. She's a victim."

Mindy laughed. "Mrs. Green is going to kill me if she hears you say that word… 'slut'."

"Mindy, I'm serious."

"Yes, Tim, you've told me that many times."

"You don't like Sam. And you don't like her company."

"I dislike her not because she fucks around, Tim. She can hump whatever she wants in her sex life. But when it comes to manipulating and making use of people around her to wallow in her self-pity," Mindy nodded her head in the direction of Charlie. "I don't think I can respect anyone like that. Probably because the worst kind of super villains I've dealt with are like that. And they're a bunch of messed up people."

"You're messed up too."

"Not by choice, Tim."

"Please, Mindy," Timothy pleaded. Mindy looked into those big puppy eyes. _Darn it_, she cursed inwardly, getting up to help the drugged nerd, Timothy following behind.

Charlie wandered through the party, tripping out of his mind. He sat down on the sofa. The world unbends as he took off the glasses. Kids walk around the party, leaving ghosts of them behind.

All of a sudden, Charlie felt himself being led to the kitchen. It was that rude blonde. And that little boy, Timothy, following after them. Charlie looked around him. There was Sam, looking kind of annoyed as she watched Mindy drag Charlie into the kitchen.

"Sam... Wait... Mindy, stop. Where are you taking me?"

"To sober up."

"I think I need a milkshake."

"No."

"What a great word. Milkshake." Charlie hadn't hear her. "It's like when you say your name over and over again in the mirror, and after awhile, it sounds crazy," he let out a burst of silly giggles. Timothy grinned at him. He found Charlie really funny.

"You know Mindy, you have the prettiest hazel eyes I've ever seen. The kind of pretty that deserves to make a big deal about itself. You know what I mean?" Charlie babbled on as Mindy took his face in her hands and lifted his lids to check his pupils. They were dull and diluted. Yep. He's stoned.

"I'm guessing this is your first time getting high," Mindy said.

"Me? No. My best friend Michael. His dad was a big drinker. So, he hated all that stuff. Parties, too."

"And where is this good friend of yours, leaving you all alone with those addicts?

"Oh, he shot himself last May…" There was a pause. Mindy looked at Timothy. The kid was was simply staring up at Charlie blankly. Mindy sat him down on a kitchen stool, watching the currently very drugged wallflower rather closely now like he was some kind of circus freak show... or more like a ticking time bomb about to explode.

"I kind of wish he'd left a note," Charlie continued, apathetic to it all. "You know what I mean?"

Mindy gave him a sad smile. "I know. But it's no use wondering why people leave us when they're already gone. It'll just eat us up on the inside. Sometimes… I realize, when people choose to leave us because it gets too painful, maybe it's for the best since it's their choice to take their own lives…" She remembered how Big Daddy voluntarily died in the fire, staring into her eyes and bidding her the first and last tearful goodbye.

There were no tears welling up in her eyes, but Charlie saw the sadness. And it quickly disappeared. Charlie's heart skipped a beat.

Before he could react, Mindy had grabbed him by the arm and pushed him against the wall, his arms folded behind his back so he was rendered motionless. "Keep still." He felt a needle enter his arm and he gasped. Slowly, his clouded vision became clearer and his hallucinations stopped. His captor released him and he turned around. Charlie watched as Mindy sterilize the needle with some alcohol swabs and keep it in some medical kit in her bag. That little boy, Timothy, was standing by her side, looking up at him and smiling angelically.

"What's that?" Charlie asked, concerned about the needle Mindy has injected him with.

"Something that purges any poison, like weed, out of you… right… about… now," Mindy replied, looking at her watch and pulling Timothy away from Charlie. Charlie felt something rise up his throat and he bent over, barfing half-digested weed brownies all over the floor. Just when he thought he was done with the puke, more came pouring out, piling onto the floor.

"And now you're sober," Mindy told Charlie, patting his shoulder. "Come on Timothy, I told you high school parties are disgusting. Ready to leave now?"

The little boy could barely utter a reply, utterly traumatized by what he had just witnessed.

Charlie followed them out the kitchen and looked upstairs to find... Sam and Craig kissing.

He recalled the kiss he had shared with her in her bedroom. She had said that she loved Craig, but that she loves him too. Charlie watched as Craig leads Sam to the same bedroom she had brought Charlie in. She had cast one last glance downstairs, at Charlie, before entering the room. He looked down at his feet and smiled sadly. _We accept the love we think we deserve_.

* * *

Charlie saw the familiar head of wavy blonde locks amongst the sea of students along the hallways.

"Hey! Hey! Hey, Mindy! Mindy, wait up!" Charlie yelled out, brushing past tons of students who were walking in the opposite direction. Shoulders clashed and several bags slammed into his gut before he made it to Mindy, who was fiddling with the lock of her locker. She cast him a disconcerted glance and opened her locker. A rotten stench from her locker hit the noses of the passersby and the crowd cleared away from Mindy and Charlie, retching and groaning.

Charlie shuddered and held up his nose. What the heck was that smell? He followed Mindy's line of vision and peered into her locker. Somebody had smeared feces all over her locker, soiling her books. That was all her locker contained, a pile of textbooks now soaked in shit. She hadn't bothered decorating it, like the other students.

"Uh… w-we're having biology together next right? You can share my textbook," Charlie offered, taking in the exasperation written all over Mindy's face.

"What do you want?"

"I… I just wanted to thank you for last night! You know, for p-purging the weed out of me, even thought it felt really horrible a-a-and…" Charlie stammered. God, the stench was insufferable. "I mean, you helped that little guy out when he was getting pummeled, o-or so he told me... You seem kind of scary b-but I think you're a nice person. That's all…"

"You're stuttering. Don't force yourself to hang out with me if you don't want to, dude. I'm not up for charity."

"No, I-I want to," Charlie stammered. Mindy smirked, "Whatever you like."

* * *

Mindy winced as she took off her Hit Girl costume, revealing the gym shirt and shorts she wore underneath. It was soaked with the blood that was oozing out of her cut wounds. It was a rough night, especially in a city alone, without Kick-ass and her other comrades to back her up.

She threw her costume and purple wig in before slamming the locker shut and leaned against it, her legs too weak to support her body weight. Her consciousness was slipping away. This is bad. She was going to pass out in hall way and when people find her lying on the floor the next morning, they are going to find out she's Hit Girl and her cover will be blown.

"Mindy!"

Mindy recognized the voice. It was Charlie.

"Hang on, Hit Girl. We're here." This time, it was Timothy's voice.

Mindy grinned before she passed out. Trust Timothy to bring Charlie and fix everything.

* * *

The memories came flooding back. Charlie buried his face in his pillow and let out a scream of anguish. He had tried to shut it out, but all he could think of was the way Aunt Helen had used him and abused him. He sat up and sobbed into his hands, because his pillow was too damp with his snot and tears. He misses Candace, Chris, his parents, Patrick and Sam. Sam and Patrick were too busy with college to see him today. But they visited him on other days, always happy and noisy and funny. He remembered that time when he had counted down the seconds with them to the end of class on their last day of school. "Come on, get me out of here!" Mindy had yelled before the countdown ended, while Patrick ran down the hallways, losing his mind to pure joy. Charlie's heart felt heavy.

Mindy was probably out there somewhere now, busy fighting crime… forgetting about him. He hadn't seen her ever since that incident.

Before Sam had driven off to college with Patrick, she had been in her bedroom with him and Sam had placed her hand on his knee then. The image moves up the arm. To the shoulder. To the face. But it was not Sam touching Charlie anymore. Charlie looked up… it was Aunt Helen. "Don't wake your sister."

The door to Sam's room had barged opened, and there was Mindy looking to carry more moving-out boxes, pulling him away from the nightmare Sam had unknowingly triggered. She saw the horror and the confusion on his face. Then, she saw Sam and their flushed faces from all that kissing, mistaking Charlie's facial expression to be disappointment. "Sorry, I'll knock next time."

He wanted to scream at her to stop, to not leave, but the door closed. He was so confused then. He knew he loved Sam, and he still does. But somehow, along the way, Mindy had stolen some part of his heart too. Probably after prom, when they were in the hotel suite.

* * *

Charlie watched on as Timothy helped a reluctant Mindy adjust her violet headband nicely while trying not to ruin the neat, beautiful ringlets Sam had curled Mindy's bangs into. Her long, thick hair was straightened and then curled into a gorgeous wave that cascaded down her sides and her back, giving her a feminine feel. "Like Rapunzel," Timothy had said, pulling the words right out of Charlie's mouth.

Prom had ended and they were in a suite with a bunch of Sam and Patrick's friends deliriously drunk or drugged. Mindy couldn't tell, but she loved every single moment of it. These people were assholes, but they were hilarious… and nice at times. She chuckled. She was starting to think like Timothy.

Charlie settled himself right next to her.

"Where's your lover girl?" Mindy teased him.

A pause. "With her boyfriend next door."

Another pause. "You know she loves you, Charlie."

"Yeah, I know."

"So why don't you go get her?"

"I can't… I don't think I should."

"You should. She'd want it."

"Not me."

"What?! Why?"

His eyes met Mindy's. She couldn't see how beautiful she was tonight, and how Sam's stupid excuse of a boyfriend, Craig, was pulling seductive moves on her on the dance floor. Any girl would have swooned over someone as cute and as hunky as him, but Mindy had sucker punched the boy instead, claiming innocence and nonchalance when Sam confronted her about it. "It was dark," she had exclaimed in her fake drunken slur. "And I'm just, like, so drunk!" Charlie found her endearing there and then.

"Charlie?" He came back to reality.

"Mindy, I think I – "

The door burst open, interrupting the dialogue. It was Sam, and she looked furious. To everybody's consternation and Mindy's I-knew-it moment, Sam announced that Craig had cheated on her. More alcohol and food most likely infused with drugs were passed around to escape the bitterness that came with that night. That was Mindy's cue to exit with Timothy. Charlie sat still, his back pressed against the wall, quietly observing and smiling at the funny moments.

* * *

Charlie wasn't smiling now. Mindy. He missed looking into her hazel eyes, drinking in every moment he had with her that prom night.

A knock came from the window. He turned, and there she was, in her Hit Girl costume. His heart skipped a beat. He couldn't believe his eyes. He scrambled out of bed and ran over to the window, like a kid who just saw Santa Claus, and opened the window, letting the night wind roar in.

"What are you doing?"

"Uh... Standing on the fire escape?"

"No," Charlie laughed. "I mean… why'd you come?"

"Timothy… he wants to see you. Well, I wanted to see you too. I heard about everything from Patrick. I thought I should see you."

Charlie nodded. "I'll grab my coat."

He could feel his heart hammering on his chest even harder and faster, rendering it difficult to breathe. He was so giddy with joy at the sight of her, he couldn't help but a silly grin.

"Well, go on!" Mindy said, wondering why he was still standing before her, smiling stupidly. Without uttering a single word, Charlie leaned in and planted a quick kiss on her lips. Mindy froze, staring at him in shock. Somehow, Charlie felt like he was in a Peter Pan scene, him in his hospital gown and Hit Girl at his window, her cloak flapping in the wind. He was Wendy and Mindy was his Peter Pan. Charlie chuckled at his ridiculous thoughts and the sight of Mindy's confused expression.

* * *

Mindy and Charlie watched as Timothy interacted with old Uncle Bub, evoking laughter from the initially grumpy, old man. Laughter turned to silence, and the dreaded beep sounded. Timothy turned to Mindy, who immediately ran into the room and pulled Charlie away from the scene, while the hospital staff rushed in, along with Timothy's distraught parents.

"Is Uncle Bub dying?"

"Yeah," Mindy whispered, a lump in her throat. It was the first time Charlie had seen her looking this crestfallen. "And it's nothing to feel sorry about. Uncle Bub has had a heck of a life here. I bet he was once a kid like you, always going on adventures and having fun… and crashing in on high school parties!"

Timothy laughed. He did like forcing Mindy to let him crash her high school parties. He got her into all sorts of trouble with his mom. "Do you think Uncle Bub had funny friends like Sam and Patrick?"

Charlie smiled down at him, ruffling the little boy's head. "I'm sure he did."

"Then he had a heck of life," Timothy affirmed with confidence, meeting Mindy's gaze.

* * *

"I lose my leaves and move on," Timothy had said.

He was gone.

Charlie watched quietly as Mindy fiddled with the plastic casing that kept one of Timothy's leaf save and snug from the cold roaring wind of the night.

"Here comes the tunnel!" Patrick yelled, as Sam inserted the cassette tape of the tunnel song into the player. Charlie got to his feet, pulling Mindy along.

And as they stood, they saw the twinkling lights of the city ahead and the vast world beyond, hiding oceans and continents and cities that filled them with wonder. Charlie held his arms out while Mindy took a look behind her shoulder. _Timothy, are you seeing this?_ A gust of wind and leaves came, forcing Mindy to look ahead before any of the leaves got into her eyes. "Don't miss this moment," the rustling leaves seemed to say. All four of them looked forward.

The tunnel's exit got bigger and brighter, with the city's lights behind it. The tunnel song blasts over the speakers as the truck flies out of the tunnel. Sam and Patrick scream with excitement. Charlie and Mindy burst into peals of laughter, as Charlie pulled Mindy into his arms, hugging her from behind. The weight of the world had vanished. If only for a moment. This one moment. The city encased in a million lights like white stars in a glass dome.

**The End.**


	2. Ch 2: The Perks of a Kickass Assignment

_Mr. Bill Anderson gives out an assignment and gets students to pair off with another student by their immediate right. One student will write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and add another to the story. The first person will then add on to the third paragraph and so on. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. Mindy McCready aka Hit Girl (protagonist of KICKASS) was partnered up with Charlie (main character Perks of being a Wallflower)._

_This is inspired by an image I saw online of the work of two bickering students who had to complete a creative writing assignment together._

Name: Charlie and Mindy  
Lesson: Creative Writing  
Teacher: Bill Anderson

**In-class Assignment for Monday**

**Charlie:**  
Sam perused the menu, but she could not bring herself to focus on the neatly printed Cambria font. The vintage café she was sitting in reminded her too much of the happier memories she had shared with Craig. But she had to obliterate his existence from her mind now. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much she'd launch into another one of her panic attacks.

**Mindy:**  
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Craig Fudgehead, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over the Martian's death machine Spacecraft 8K, had more important things to focus on than the likings of a bimbotic tramp named Sam with whom he had spent one quick sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Fudgehead moving in on hangar 37K," he reported via his transgalactic communicator. "Nuclear missile established." Almost immediately, a red particle beam flashed out of nowhere from behind and blasted off the wing of Craig Fudgehead's spaceship. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat.

**Charlie:**  
His head collided into the steel walls of the spaceship and Craig died almost instantaneously, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for physically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had loved him. Soon afterwards, Earth ceased its meaningless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Mars. "Congress Passes Law Abolishing Galactic War," Sam read in her newspaper one morning. The news delighted her. She stared out the window, reminiscing of her childhood — when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of relentless curiosity at all the wonders of the world behold.

**Mindy:**  
Little did she know that she had less than 5 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Martian mothership launched the attack of its lethal toxic missiles. The absurdity of conjuring up some Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had rendered Earth a defenseless target for the hostile Martian empires bent on annihilating mankind. Within thirty minutes after the passage of the treaty the Martian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The toxic missiles entered the atmosphere unimpeded. Obama, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Sam and millions of other Americans. The outraged President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

**Charlie:**  
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, juvenile, narrow-minded, semi-literate adolescent.

**Mindy:**  
Yeah? Well, you're a gay ass-bitch whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of bloody Stephanie weepy Meyer.

**Charlie:**  
You total ass.

**Mindy:**  
Stupid f*cktart.

Grade: A+++  
Feedback: Interesting story.

**The End **


End file.
